“D” is for Detritus and Downsizing

by Abby Hoffman

“D” is for Detritus and Downsizing

Did you ever stand in your home and wonder, “what is going to happen to all this stuff?” Are there people in our lives who will benefit from our getting ready for our nevermore needed things? How do we approach this activity of getting rid of extras, multiples, and perhaps make it possible for everyone to not be heaped with lots of cleaning and sorting chores at the time they are dealing with grief and loss? Might we do these activities before we can’t and, actually delight in the process?

There are ways we can get our home ready for both downsizing to a smaller place and for our death. The inevitable time when things we have will be up for grabs, taken to the local thrift shop and, put out in the rubbish doesn’t have to be anyone else’s problem, not if we look at what we have and can deal with it now.

If it has occurred to us that our things need homes or disposal after we are gone then slow, deliberate organization and downsizing is simpler while we the ability and time, as well as friends and family that might help us organize, distribute, and create space for some of our treasures.

The idea of distribution to family and friends while we are still living may not occur to us when we are still managing a large home but what about when we move to a smaller place? When our spouse dies, when mobility changes, do we have in mind how the things we love and items we just have will be sorted? Some things will go with us to our new smaller home, some will go to family, friends, estate sales or charity.

We all have moments in our lives when the things we are surrounded by have concluded their purpose or have become extras in our homes. The baby clothes and children’s toys, surf gear or training bikes no longer used, cookbooks stacked high on the shelves, tools and extra chair cushions, an extensive magazine collection, clothing that’s outlived its size or interest, extra China place settings and, grandma’s silver tea service. Perhaps we have oodles of extra art pieces we or others have created, sentimental letters and photographs that may or may not be up for public viewing, record collections, and teaspoons from all over the world.

The good news is that much of what we have can be repurposed too a new life. If people express interest in our things, it is an act of generosity to give a coveted quilt to a daughter or son, tools and cooking equipment to grandchildren who are starting out, a wheeling cart to the gardener who helps you take care of your tomatoes, zinnias and beans. We can enjoy seeing these things at family gatherings in new homes, be delighted by the new use and the love generated in objects that have been passed on.

A couple of years ago a friend began the distribution of family heirlooms to her nieces and nephews. They got to pick which things were of interest one at a time. Most items were earmarked for them to receive while she is still living and others will go to them after she’s passed. It has been a joy-filled activity and has led to stories, reminiscences about family long gone as well as conversations about how the gifts will then be passed on to their children.

A lasting point for reflection: A friend entered home hospice and her belongings, all sorted for posterity, were down to 20 cartons. She had done the work of distribution and recycling when she was able. Upon her passing her sons donated her car, assorted scarves and clothing to friends. They carried home photo albums and scrapbooks personalized for each of the grands, her estate materials and a few treasured notes.

If you want more information on this subject look for the book “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning” by Margareta Magnusson

Deathcaring: Reclaiming Death as Part of Life

by Dawn Carson

Deathcaring is a cultural movement rooted in the idea that death belongs in the heart of community life. Rather than leaving care for the dying and dead solely to professionals and institutions, it invites us to return to more personal, participatory ways of facing the end of life—together.

At its core, Deathcaring is about reclaiming death as a natural, meaningful, and even transformative part of living. It encourages open conversations, thoughtful planning, and community-based support for the dying, the dead, and the bereaved. This approach not only honours the person who is dying but also supports the wider circle of family, friends, and community.

It also emphasizes cultural and ecological renewal. By re-engaging with traditional and sustainable practices, Deathcaring fosters a relationship with death that is holistic and environmentally conscious. It recognizes that how we care for our dead reflects how we care for life.

Deathcaring encourages people to plan, too ask questions, and too understand their rights and options. It empowers individuals and families to take an active role in deathcare, whether that means sitting vigil, preparing the body, or creating rituals that reflect their values and beliefs.

Ultimately, Deathcaring envisions a culture where death is no longer feared or hidden but embraced as an honoured part of life. It’s about showing up—with compassion, courage, and care—at one of life’s most sacred thresholds. Death matters.

Destination

by Kelsey Ermers

“Where are you headed today?”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Where do you want to live?”
“What do you want to achieve?”

These everyday questions are all about destination. Life is full of them—some grand, others modest. We mark our calendars with them. We make plans. We prepare. Whether it’s getting to work on time, planning a big move, graduating, becoming a parent, or entering retirement, destinations are how we map meaning onto the unfolding of our lives.

But there’s one destination we all share—one we rarely talk about or prepare for: death.

We don’t know exactly when or how we’ll arrive at this destination, but we do know it’s coming. And that simple truth opens the door to a powerful question: What if we treated death as just another destination—one worthy of our curiosity, care, and attention?

At Death Matters, we believe that your last chapter deserves the same intention as all the others. Because when you reach that final threshold, you don’t just disappear—you become memory, story, legacy.

Our Exit Planning workshops are designed to help you explore this destination with courage and clarity. Over three thoughtful sessions, you’ll reflect on what a good death means to you, and begin shaping the documents and decisions that bring your vision into being.

You’ll ask:

• What matters most at the end of life?
• How do I want to be remembered?
• What legacy am I leaving behind?

These aren’t grim questions. They’re grounding ones. Because when we think of death not as an erasure, but as a sacred homecoming, we begin to live with more depth, more love, more intention.

Imagine arriving at the end not with fear, but with readiness. Not with regret, but with peace.
What if your final destination could feel like coming home?

How Deep Should You Be Buried? (Not a Trick Question)

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “How deep should I be buried when I die?”—Congratulations, you’re officially fun at parties and thinking ahead.

The answer might surprise you: three to four feet. That’s it. Not six feet under. Not entombed in a concrete bunker like a vampire no one trusts. Just a cozy, breathable, dirt-rich three to four feet.

Why? Well, for most of human history, burial meant placing a shrouded, unembalmed body into a simple hole in the ground. No metal casket. No concrete vault. No makeup that makes you look like a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Just you and the earth, reconnecting the old-fashioned way.

Then the 20th century came along and said, “Wait, what if we wrapped the dead in steel, pickled them in chemicals, and locked them in a concrete box?” (To which the planet responded: “Please don’t.”)

Each year in Canada, traditional burials consume approximately 4,500 litres of formaldehyde-based embalming fluid, 97 tonnes of steel, 2,000 tonnes of concrete, and 56,000 board feet of tropical hardwood per acre of cemetery space. These figures highlight the substantial environmental impact of conventional burial practices. That’s not a burial—it’s a construction project.

Green burial flips that script. And here’s where the magic of 3-4 feet comes in:

 It’s All About the Oxygen

• At this shallower depth, you’re in the aerobic zone—where oxygen-loving microbes do their best work turning you into excellent compost. It’s decomposition with flair.

The Soil is Happier Here

• This is where the richest, most biologically active soil lives. It’s like the VIP section for decomposition: warm, lively, and full of beneficial insects ready to help you transition back into the web of life.

 No Need to Worry About Wildlife

• Three to four feet is also deep enough to deter most curious critters. No raccoons invited. Just nature’s clean-up crew—like carrion beetles—who’ve been doing this job way longer than any funeral director.

And It’s Existentially Grounding (Pun Intended)

• There’s something humbling and even joyful about knowing you’ll one day feed a tree. Embracing decay can actually be an ecstatic reminder that you’re alive now. Breath in your lungs. Blood in your veins. Feet on the earth—until you’re in it.

So next time someone asks, “Six feet under, right?”, feel free to smile and say, “Actually, I’m going green. Just three to four feet will do.”

And then watch their face as they slowly realize you’re being totally, natural.

Decisions

by Katherine Gyles

Life has a way of shifting our priorities—often without warning. A terminal diagnosis may suddenly demand medical decisions, family conversations, and treatment planning. A decline in mobility might prompt a move or the need for new support’s. The loss of a beloved partner could bring the challenge of navigating life alone. What do all these moments have in common? Decisions.

The best decisions—the ones that sit right in your bones—come from exploring your options, weighing what matters most, and reflecting deeply on your values, health, and lifestyle needs.

Some people turn to healthcare providers for guidance. Others seek out legal, financial, or end-of-life advisors. Increasingly, individuals are also turning to death doulas—trained professionals who provide non-medical, holistic support through dying, death, and grief. A death doula can help you and your loved ones navigate complex emotional, spiritual, and practical terrain, ensuring your decisions reflect who you are and how you wish to be cared for.

Trusted family members and close friends often play a vital role too, acting as sounding boards and support systems.

In the end, it’s up to you to make the small and large decisions—choices you can stand by and find peace with. Ideally, these decisions are written down to ensure clarity, follow-through, and flexibility as your circumstances evolve.

So, how prepared are you for life’s next curveball? Are you clear on the values and preferences that guide your choices? Do you have a trusted circle—including professionals like death doulas—ready to support you?

We’re here to help you build a plan that brings confidence—and calm—in the face of whatever comes next.

Dollars 
Ah, money – that little paper or shiny metal that keeps everything moving, even if it feels like it’s always slipping through your fingers when you need it most. In Canada, hospital visits are free (yay!), but everything else – from medications to the cost of dying and funeral arrangements – can feel like you’re suddenly signed up for a VIP package you didn’t ask for. The extras? They sure add up fast. But don’t panic – we’ve got you covered with a sliding scale for our service fees because no one should have to choose between dignity and their bank balance. Pay what you can, when you can! We believe everyone deserves access to compassionate, respectful end-of-life services, regardless of how many “Dollars” are sitting in the bank. So, we offer a sliding scale based on the household income of the person who has died and/or the person responsible for payment at the time of death. This way, we can ensure families of all incomes can make dignified choices during such a challenging time. And while we’re on the subject of “Dollars,” let’s also take a moment to appreciate the real treasure: our service providers. These amazing folks pour their time, energy, and expertise into making this transition as smooth and peaceful as possible.  They give their hearts at life’s final threshold —honour their gift by giving what you can.

Death Doulas: the only people who can make both existential dread and funeral planning feel like a warm hug. Think of us as the sherpas of the afterlife trek—minus the oxygen tanks but fully stocked with tissues, tea, and an uncanny ability to discuss mortality over muffins. We’re not grim reapers (too dramatic) or funeral directors (too formal); we’re the compassionate, candle-holding, plan-making, deep-listening companions who ensure you exit with style, grace, and maybe even a playlist that doesn’t include “My Heart Will Go On.” Whether it’s holding space for final wishes, guiding loved ones through post-death chaos, or helping you decide between a biodegradable burial or a Viking-style sendoff (local bylaws permitting), we’ve got you covered.

Here is a thing to consider… you in diapers again.  When people are contemplating their end-of-life plans (and there aren’t enough of you doing that) a common marker is whether you can manage to take yourself to the bathroom or not.  Sometimes folks say when the day comes that they can’t manage their own ablutions, they will sign out.  However, when that day comes, they usually don’t choose to check out.

So adult diapers, good that someone thought of that.   For a variety of reasons adults need this product for more flexibility in their lives.  Most of us will end up using adult diapers.  After we go through rejecting, secrecy, humiliation, adjusting, surrendering, may we find adapting, ease and gratitude.  Maybe give you and diapers some thought.  Oh, and please consider the eco-friendly reusable types.  Mother earth doesn’t need her rich soil full of diapers…. Better off to poo directly into the garden.

Many things from the start of life years visit us again in the end of life years.  Vulnerability is warriorship.

On January 18, 2021, Nova Scotia became the first jurisdiction in North America to adopt a “deemed consent” model for organ and tissue donation. Under the Nova Scotia Human Organ and Tissue Donation Act, all eligible residents are presumed to have consented to donation after death unless they opt out.

If you’re 19 or older, have lived in Nova Scotia for at least 12 months, and haven’t opted out, you are considered a potential donor. This change was made to help increase the number of lives saved through organ and tissue transplants.

You can opt out at any time by registering your decision online with your Nova Scotia Health Card. Youth aged 16 or older can also register a decision, though individuals under 18 or those lacking capacity will require consent from a substitute decision-maker.

Even with deemed consent in place, families will still be consulted at the time of death. Medical teams will seek to understand any known wishes of the deceased before proceeding with donation. In addition, all medically eligible individuals will be referred to the appropriate provincial donation programs to assess suitability.

What happens after death?

If death is expected, the body becomes part of the deceased’s estate, and the executor or family is responsible for final arrangements. If death is unexpected, the medical examiner has temporary jurisdiction over the body for investigation before releasing it to the family or executor.

For those who wish to provide home deathcare, participate in spiritual or cultural rituals, or arrange a green burial, there are important considerations:

• Who will have authority over the body after donation procedures?

• What condition will the body be in following organ or tissue recovery?

• Will medical teams avoid toxic chemicals and ensure respectful suturing and preparation to allow for home vigil or green burial?

These are essential questions, especially for families wanting a more personal or environmentally conscious approach to deathcare. Open communication with medical staff is vital to ensure the body is handled in accordance with your values and wishes.

For more information or to register your donation decision, visit:
Nova Scotia Health: Organ and Tissue Donation

Spoiler Alert – you will die.

In 1973 Ernest Becker won the Pulitzer Prize for The Denial of Death.  We’ve been denying for a while.  The toss-up seems to be with the dual nature of our physical selves and our symbolic selves. And that comes down too,  here we are… what does it mean?  The search for meaning or the true nature of reality is good/absolute.  It awakens the mind and that, my friends, is a connection to the present, which is wisdom. 

They say our life flashes before our mind’s eye in our final days.   Will yours be all scared and in denial about the fact that you will die?  Or might we find meaning which has us present in our everyday lives?… with whatever is?

Why exactly are we so frightened of death that we avoid looking at it altogether? Or worse, we take all manner of measures to get more “dying days”. 

Somewhere, deep down, we know we cannot avoid facing dying and death forever. Nothing is permanent and enduring.

When you are in denial, you’re trying to protect yourself by refusing to accept the truth about mortality.

When you are in denial, you’re trying to protect yourself by refusing to accept the truth about your dying and death that is  happening. Refusing to acknowledge mortality is a way of coping with fear, stress, painful thoughts, conflict, threatening information and anxiety. You can be in denial about anything that makes you feel vulnerable or threatens your sense of control, such as dying.  You can be in denial about something happening to you or to someone else.

When you’re in denial, you:

~ Will not acknowledge a difficult situation

~ Try not to face the facts

~ Downplay possible consequences of the matter.

Sometimes it seems as if the only real activity we are engaged in is closing our eyes to the truest fact about life: No one makes it out alive.

The word ‘disposal’ is a roundabout way of getting to the word ‘corpse’.  It happens to be something that is necessary to do with a corpse… one way or another.  What way will you choose?  Or will you let someone else make that decision (another great ‘d’ word) for you?  If so, who?  How will they know what you want?

What are the choices for disposal of a corpse here in Nova Scotia?

None of the above….. yet.

However, you do have the options of cremation, conventional burial, or green burial.  The former two have a significant negative impact on the environment.  The latter, however, replenishes our soils, and leaves a very minimal carbon footprint.

So, if you care about the method of disposal of your corpse, you might want to consider your options before you die, and document and share them with the folks who will be taking care of your body.

If you care about the environment, choose green burial…. for more information go to www.greenburialns.ca.

Experience brings familiarity.  Sometimes.  What we don’t know is a mystery.  Death is a mystery.  And is surrounded by myths.  Bringing curious investigation to any and all experiences may discover truths.  Myths could be proven or disproven.

For instance, death is not an emergency.  The body of your loved one can be taken care of at home… with a little preparation (and some ice packs).  In fact, if the death occurs in an institution, you could move the body to your home for lying in.  A funeral home, funeral director, and embalming are not required, though their expertise with handling corpses can sometimes be helpful.  Granted, there is official paperwork that must be filed, but Access Nova Scotia can help.

The ritual cleansing of the dead has been practiced in some form in almost every culture for thousands of years.  It is natural and normal.  And can go a long way to facilitating a healthy grieving process.  Caring for and honouring our dead is absolutely sensible….. and a logical extension of the love and care we have for each other from the time of birth.

Think about it.

Is it possible to take delight in everyday life?  What is delight?  Is it a feeling?  And experience?  A way of being?

Of the light…

And how is it possible to be delighted?  Of what benefit?

Contemplate what gives you a feeling of delight, what makes you delighted – whatever that means to you.  Allow yourself to be immersed in a memory of experiencing delight…. the birth of a new human being, picking and eating fresh, home grown tomatoes, listening to a favourite piece of music, breaking into uncontrollable laughter, and on and on.  What delights you may be different from what delights anyone else… but there do seem to be some common denominators.

What does it feel like?  Where is it felt?  Is it something you might like to cultivate?  Can it be cultivated?

Experiment with bringing to mind (and heart) the memory-feeling of that which delights you.  Are you able to call it up?  Can it be sustained?  How might it be valuable to practice being delighted?  To delight others?

Try smiling at perfect strangers on the street, in the grocery store, or wherever you go.  What happens?

My experience is a state of warmth and openness in my heart centre, and a lightness in my ‘being’.  I endeavour to become more and more familiar with this ability to be totally present, open, and appreciative now.  I suspect it might serve me (and others) very well…. especially at the time of death.

Life can be dangerous, full of unexpected happenings, and generally has an abrupt ending.  It is frail and fleeting…. and precious.  Knowing all of that, one might imagine that we would appreciate the sacredness of every moment of experience.

The opportunity is certainly available… to recognize the precarious beauty of now.  This very moment will never come again.  Although it may be gruesome or terrifying, ugly or disgusting, it is, nevertheless, our unique experience.

There is a danger in pretending otherwise, in wishing for another now.  There is a danger that we may miss our life… while we wait for it to happen.

If we are habitually looking forward (or backward), there is a danger that satisfaction, contentment, and joy might never be experienced.

Mahatma Gandhi said “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.  Learn as if you were to live forever”.

I suggest that the living needs to be full of loving.  Loving that we have the gifts we have been given – whatever they may be.  And loving that we are able to give those gifts until the moment of death… and perhaps beyond.

Know what happens when your food and yard ‘waste’ is composted?  Eventually, with a little water, air, and time, soil is produced and can be used to grow more life.

How about the decomposition of your body?

“Composting is an aerobic method (meaning that it requires the presence of air) of decomposing organic solid wastes.^[1] It can therefore be used to recycle organic material. The process involves decomposition of organic material into a humus-like material, known as compost, which is a good fertilizer for plants.”

If your corpse is given the opportunity to rest in ground that is alive, it too will become healthy soil.

However, our current burial practices include techniques to avoid decomposition by embalming the body, putting it in a polyester and steel lined casket which is then dropped into a polymer-lined concrete vault creating a long-term toxic soup, some of which seeps into our water supply.

Or one could opt for cremation and create a giant carbon footprint on the way out.

Green burial is an option for corpse disposal that allows the body to decompose naturally and nourish the soil.  Think about it.

How do you want to die?  Since death is certain, it might be good to consider the possibilities.

Do you want to die at home?  Or in a forest?  Or on the high seas?

While cooking?  Skydiving?  Making love?

Do you want to be alone?  With family or friends?  Hooked up to life saving machines, surrounded by strangers?

Think about it.  Then talk about it.  Then write it down, and share it with those who care.  That’s called a directive.

There are many names for this document.  Advance Directive is common.  In Nova Scotia, Personal Health Care Directive is used.  The name is not important.  The contents are.

Unless you contemplate, discuss, and document your end-of-life wishes, and choose a delegate (someone to speak for you if and when you are unable), there is no reason to expect that anyone will know what you want.

And putting it off is equally foolish.  Death comes without warning.  If you are lucky, it will not come until you are old and frail and ready to go.  But, as we know, every day many folks die unexpectedly… and in bizarre circumstances.

Do not continue to move this task to the bottom of your list.  You may need your directive TODAY.

Are we living under a cloud of deception?  Is the pretense of ‘immortality’ serving us?  Can we really be happy with newer stuff?  With the latest apps?  Or flitting from one trend to the next?  Having more friends on FaceBook?

Not embracing our shared mortality for even a moment may cause us to stray from the truth.  All experience, no matter how profound, is temporary.  So how can we know that we are not deceiving ourselves?  What is mortality anyway?

Unfortunately, Merriam-Webster is not all that helpful – ‘the quality or state of being mortal’.  Being mortal means being subject to death, to the temporariness of our condition – at any time, in any moment.  Nothing stays the same.  Thoughts come and go.  Feelings, no matter how intense, arise and cease (eventually).  Our friends morph into our enemies – or vice versa.  Even the idea that this is a sad state of affairs will pass.  We are blessed with continuous opportunities to develop appreciation.  

Perhaps getting used to this reality now is good practice for the seemingly enormous change that comes when it is time to give up our body…. this mortal existence.  

Now is the time in one’s life to make discoveries.  Now is always the time… for most things.  The past is no longer here…. and, try as we might, we cannot change it.  The future has not yet arrived, and, though we make plans, we know that those plans are tentative, and that, despite our best efforts, everything changes.  Often unexpectedly.

So what is to be discovered now?  And how do we go about it?

Perhaps in each moment the experience of a lifetime can be discovered …. infinite beauty and delight…. boundless appreciation… love.  What happens if we stay still for this moment and simply notice what we see, hear, smell, taste, feel…. fully…. without commentary, judgment, analysis?  Perhaps a discovery!

This habit – of being fully present and appreciative – will serve us well at the time of death.

The dreaded “d” word.  The word we find ourselves unable to use.  In lieu of “dead”, we say…. bite the dust, bought the farm, cash in one’s chips, departed, expired, gave up the ghost, gone to meet one’s maker, immortally challenged, in a better place, kicked the bucket, living-impaired, no longer with us, passed away, pushing up daisies, resting in peace, shuffled off this mortal coil, six feet under, with the angels, and many more euphemisms.

Anything but “dead”!

Go ahead… practice saying it out loud… “dead… dead…  dead”.

Saying the word won’t kill you.  In fact, getting familiar with the idea that becoming dead is inevitable may just bring renewed appreciation to every moment of your life!