Death Matters

Planning Together for End of Life

DIAPERS

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Here is a thing to consider… you in diapers again.  When people are contemplating their end-of-life plans (and there aren’t enough of you doing that) a common marker is whether you can manage to take yourself to the bathroom or not.  Sometimes folks say when the day comes that they can’t manage their own ablutions, they will sign out.  However, when that day comes, they usually don’t choose to check out.

So adult diapers, good that someone thought of that.   For a variety of reasons adults need this product for more flexibility in their lives.  Most of us will end up using adult diapers.  After we go through rejecting, secrecy, humiliation, adjusting, surrendering, may we find adapting, ease and gratitude.  Maybe give you and diapers some thought.  Oh, and please consider the eco-friendly reusable types.  Mother earth doesn’t need her rich soil full of diapers…. Better off to poo directly into the garden.

Many things from the start of life years visit us again in the end of life years.  Vulnerability is warriorship.

DONATION – Organ and Tissue

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Nova Scotia is proposing new legislation whereby every Nova Scotian will become an organ and tissue donor unless they opt out.   What do you think about that? Comment on the Death Matters FaceBook or Twitter page.

When you die expectedly your body becomes part of your estate and your executor/family is legally responsible for and required to see to your disposition.
If you die unexpectedly the medical examiner has the right to your body for as long as they need, before handing to the executor/family for disposition.
Who will have jurisdiction over the corpse with presumed tissue and organ donation?
What condition will the body be in after the recovery of organs and tissue?
If a family wish to reclaim their deceased for home deathcaring, rituals and a green burial will the medical team be sure not to perform any toxic procedures and suture the body appropriately?

Organ and Tissue Donation Act: an overview

DENIAL

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Spoiler Alert – you will die.

In 1973 Ernest Becker won the Pulitzer Prize for The Denial of Death.  We’ve been denying for a while.  The toss-up seems to be with the dual nature of our physical selves and our symbolic selves. And that comes down too,  here we are… what does it mean?  The search for meaning or the true nature of reality is good/absolute.  It awakens the mind and that, my friends, is a connection to the present, which is wisdom. 

They say our life flashes before our mind’s eye in our final days.   Will yours be all scared and in denial about the fact that you will die?  Or might we find meaning which has us present in our everyday lives?… with whatever is?

Why exactly are we so frightened of death that we avoid looking at it altogether? Or worse, we take all manner of measures to get more “dying days”. 

Somewhere, deep down, we know we cannot avoid facing dying and death forever. Nothing is permanent and enduring.

When you are in denial, you’re trying to protect yourself by refusing to accept the truth about mortality.

When you are in denial, you’re trying to protect yourself by refusing to accept the truth about your dying and death that is  happening. Refusing to acknowledge mortality is a way of coping with fear, stress, painful thoughts, conflict, threatening information and anxiety. You can be in denial about anything that makes you feel vulnerable or threatens your sense of control, such as dying.  You can be in denial about something happening to you or to someone else.

When you’re in denial, you:

~ Will not acknowledge a difficult situation

~ Try not to face the facts

~ Downplay possible consequences of the matter.

Sometimes it seems as if the only real activity we are engaged in is closing our eyes to the truest fact about life: No one makes it out alive.

DETAILS

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The devil is in the details.

Preparing advance directives may seem like an easy task at first.  But why does it continually move to the bottom of the pile on the desk?  What could be so very challenging that we are unable to put our wishes in writing with ease?  There are just a few seemingly simple decisions to make, after all.

However, the decisions in question require that we confront our mortality…. often a more than daunting task.  So how can we do it?  How can we contemplate the unknown details we might face as we approach the end of our life?

In addition to contemplation, conversation with friends and loved ones might be a useful activity to instigate decision-making.  Simply imagining – out loud – how it might feel to be at the end of your life could be a great beginning.  What does it look like?  Who is around you? Smells?  Sounds?  Fear?  Anxiety?  Discord?  Anticipation? 

We cannot possibly know how our end will come – or go.  However, we can begin to ‘plan’, based on our own held values and preferences, the kind of container and care that might suit us best.  And document and share that information with our loved ones.  These are the kinds of details that create advance directives.

DISCUSSION

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Dead is a four letter word.  Perhaps that is why it is not uttered in polite company.  There is very little general discussion about what happens when dying, after death.  It seems to be some kind of secret.  But we all do it.  Like sex. Let’s talk about it.  Might make it easier.

Imagine if dying & death were common subjects of discussion… if we could approach this very normal life experience (which we share with each and every sentient being on the planet) as ordinary…. as healthy… as universal… perhaps even celebratory.  Discussion over dinner, at the spa, while walking in the park, or driving the kids to school…

We might even have ordinary, everyday discussions about our preferences at the time of dying …. who would be there, details of the environment – sounds, smells, sights.  Not that we really have a choice.  But imagine what it might be like if close friends and family actually knew what we wanted, actually understood our values and wishes… without fear.  Imagine…. the possible benefits of discussion of our hopes and fears.  Death matters.  Discussions of death matter.